My stamp on the world...

I have come to a point in my life where I feel invisible and have fallen into a little bout of depression. Partly due to this never ending rain cloud. From this rain cloud i have had to examine myself from the inside.

What do I want out of life?

What is the purpose of life?

What is MY purpose in this life?

Why do I hate life so much right now?

How did I become such a home body/recluse?

Why would I rather stay in bed all day than play with my girls?

Why do i rely so much on other people to make me happy?

What can I do to change my attitude and life?

How can I be happy?

Which led me to thinking about how much I have always wanted to provide a service to my community or those who need it. I used to dream of owning my own salon and offering people free makeovers that really needed it and couldn't afford it. I feel like when you are happy with how you look on the outside it makes you feel that much better on the inside. Corny. I know. But it is true. If you have ever watched a makeover story it is completely visible the change that the person goes through. Confidence is important. I should know, I didn't have much in high school. But now, I would say I am very CONFIDENT, HAPPY person (other than these past couple months). I have also been wanting so badly to go to all these places that have had horrible things happen and help the people. But having children of my own i know that I need to be with them. But part of me still needs to be doing something MORE! So I have narrowed it down to two things...

#1 Become a certified fitness instructor

#2 Become a licensed cosmetology instructor

My goal as a fitness instructor would be to provide free fitness classes to my community. I would however like to make a profit of some sort and so I would ask local business' to sponsor me. To be able to ask to be sponsored I would have to be certified and have some experience. I would start by teaching for my ward (if I can get the approval and the people to come). Gaining experience and followers. I would then be able to take the certification test and have some credibility when I ask a business to sponsor me. From there...who knows what I could do with that. But one thing that bothers me is how everything costs so much money and that is why I want to do it for free. I would start with fitness and maybe try teaching dance for free for kids then maybe sports (all I really know how to play is soccer, but it is a start). It is so hard these days for families to be able to afford these things...and I think I could help.

My goal as a cosmetology instructor is a little more selfish. I have always wanted to be a teacher. I chose cosmetology because I love to do hair as well. And what better way to do two things that I love than by teaching how to do hair?! I would be able to get out of the house and have some "grown up" and "me" time. I think I would be able to come home and be a better mom. I struggle with being a SHM (stay home mom). I always wanted to be a SHM but it just hasn't been what I thought it would be. Or I guess I haven't been what I thought I would be. I am not a horrible mom by any means but my dream to be fun and creative with my girls has been lost. I feel desperate everyday about what to do and now everyday I count down the hours and minutes til Adam comes home and we can do something or I can RUN AWAY. It is horrible and I feel horrible about it. I dread going to bed at night because the thought of starting another day of doing the SAME thing depresses me. In fact when Adam started his new job he started working Fridays and the first day of doing that was a Friday. When he told me he was going to be working that day I cried. I cried because in my mind we had already started our weekend which meant i wasn't going to be alone with the girls. That we would be doing fun stuff and I would have that extra help that Adam is so good at giving. But when he said he was working my dread hit. Dread of having a whole extra day of having the girls by myself. It is pretty pathetic, I know this, and my solution is to have a few hours away. A few hours where I don't have to be a mom. I don't have to break up fights, hear screaming, clean up mess after mess after mess, and think of what to do for 10 hrs.

All in all, I NEED SOMETHING! and I need your advice.